Wednesday, February 3, 2010

My next fix...

"Sometimes I feel like a junkie. One minute something happens in my life and I'm flying. Next minute I take a nosedive and just as I'm about to the hit ground with full force something else will have me flying again"

This is how I'm feeling right now. : Like a junkie who just got their latest fix.

Last night, I heard that Nick liked Alissa. I'm happy for her, of course, but that left me thinking, "WHERE IS HE?"...."Am I destined to be the funny fat friend??" These feelings were intensified by the fact that I have this ridiculous date with Adam, my neighbor/maintenance guy/kinda landlord. I know I can't back out, but it;'s going to be awkward when I tell him I'm not interested. I still can't believe he asked me out after I told him I couldn't pay my rent. I feel slightly whorish. Do dates= benefits on late rent and extra quick service?

Today was interesting, however. Kathy C. played little matchmaker, giving my email address to this guy who installed their solar panels. I don't know much about him besides he's outdoorsy and really nice. I did do the obligatory Google, though. Wouldn't you know it I actually found a picture. I don't know if the picture truly did him justice. Well, if anything, I found a potential friend?

I know that I mentioned before that not dating was one of my parameters of this 3-month emotional detox, but I'm starting to think it falls in line with the "living life" component. What does that even mean?? So far, this is my working definition: Doing what I can to be happy...Being open to new people and experiences...Making things happen for myself...Being okay with setback, they're inevitable. Accept it and keep moving forward...Enjoying moments big and seemingly inconsequential...And whatever else comes into play...

I've also been thinking about the whole purpose of this. Why 4/17/10? I don't expect any big life changes within these 3 months, but I think the outcomes are starting to become more perceptible. I'm starting to see this time as a time to figure out what I'm working toward. Who I want to be and what makes me happy. I'm not expecting lightening to strike. I just don't want to feel like I traversing aimlessly throughout life; like I've been feeling that way for a long time now.

I just want to be open to all possibilities. Enough stream of consciousness for now...

So who knows that my next "fix" will be...After throwing myself a huge pity party and sinking, I feel like I'm headed back up toward the sky.

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