Wednesday, February 17, 2010

"Blood like mercury so I can tell you when I'm rising and I'm sinking in"

It's been a month into my 3-month-to-clarity search. Here is where I am at...

With writing more comes more thinking. Thinking clearly and with purpose. Writing helps me "get it all out" instead of it stewing inside and keeping my anxiety-riddled mind running. Writing for myself rather than a specific audience keeps me honest because I know I am the only judge here; and I know when I am full of shit. Something to keep in mind when working with my students on their own writing...

As for truths about myself, I am realizing they are more hard truths than anything. And it's hard to face up to them. But in facing up to them, I can decide if that's what I want defining me. For example, I'm realizing I am a very jealous person (as seen with Nick and Alissa). I think it boils down to a lack of trust and wanting what I can't have. It's not a nice thing to admit about myself, but I'm learning that these feelings can lead me to some poor decisions. However hurtful in my mind, they are fleeting, and I need to remember that.

Simply living life. Well, I definitely have been doing that.  From reading/writing to skiing and meeting random people out and about. While I have gone through periods of sadness and lonliness, on the whole I have been happier than I have been in awhile because I am doing things for myself. I am enjoying the quiet days to myself, days busy with friends and family, shuffling my anxiety to the back in order to put myself out there.

Regarding Ty, while I have reached out to him in little ways (texting here and there, really within the last week) and admittedly texting at inappropriate times (after too much wine), I still don't feel the need to get back together with him.

On the whole, I am feeling better than I did a month ago. With my lows and highs, who knows where I'll be next month (March is a long month, after all). But at least I know it will be because of me and what I am doing to make things happen.

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