Sunday, February 28, 2010

Can't Really Complain

Someone who I haven't talked to years randomly messaged me today and asked, "how's it going?" I replied with an, albeit quizzical, "It's going good. Can't really complain."

I got to thinking after that random conversation: While I have the tendency to complain A LOT, I'm actually pretty lucky. I have an eccentric, caring, funny family. Amazing friends who are for me. A job that pays the bills and some fun in between. A place of my own that I've worked really hard to make it mine. I'm healthy and working hard to stay that way (except for weekends, when it's a real slippery slope). It's easy for me to feel down and sorry for myself, but in the grand scheme of things, I really can't complain.

I'm coming off a good weekend. My family came to visit, which was a lot of fun. I wanted to get a hold of Ty and I resisted, which I was never really able to before. My friends Michele and Liz came over and spent time with my family and me. Annnnnd I booked my flight to Florida for spring break.

February is over and onto the long month of March. I'll need this attitude to help me get through it.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Inspired by Mrs. Mediocrity and the Pioneer Woman...

Two of the blogs that I follow are written by amazing and creative women. Both posted blogs that described things they love and things are they are grateful for. I decided to do something similar, tweaking to suit my own purpose. Doing this actually put me in a better state of mind. Thinking about what makes me happy and smile is a whole lot easier than focusing on the negative.  I should do this more often...

"Five things that I love and make me smile:"

1. Black raspberry soft serve with chocolate sprinkles on a sugar cone.

2. The swish swish sound of my skis as I glide down a mountain. 

3. Reading a book in a cozy spot and being so engrossed in it that I am completely unaware of what's going on around me.

4. Laying on the beach. The warm sun on me and waves crashes on the sand.

5. Sunsets on Lake Ontario.

Monday, February 22, 2010

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say

Back to work after a week off. I can't believe I was somewhat looking forward to it (gasp). Looking forward to not so much the stress but the routine of it all. The week off from school and dogsitting was enjoyable but the lack of routine wreaked havoc. Havoc on my diet, my exercise regimen, and my wall of contentment that has been precariously close to toppling over.

I liked being alone in the country, but even though I did things with friends and the upcoming musical, I got sick of myself.

Definitely hit a speed bump.

Feeling a little down.

Missing Ty. Constantly thinking about what he's doing. Who he is seeing.

Hoping a busy week and a good weekend planned can help me get over it.

I think I also have to realize that it's okay to be sad. Feeling sad doesn't have to pull me under like it usually does. I just need to stay focused on where I am, not where I was. And let the sadness wash over me and go away instead of holding onto it.

Hopefully I'll have a cheerier post next time...Something happy to end with, however. I love the beach and hopefully I'll be there in over a month..Ahh sweet release.

Saturday, February 20, 2010


For the past week, I have been been having some adventures in dogsitting. Above are Jessie and Asticou, sibling springer spaniels. Spunky, rambunctious, pups who have a taste for expensive shoes. Here is their daily routine:

-Wake up at 6AM, bark on and off til about 8 when their dogsitter finally rolls out of bed.
-Let out and roll about in the snow and roll over each other.
-Breakfast in the barn! Not just any ol'dog food will do. Ingredients: 1 cup of dog food, spoonful of canned food, dollop of yogurt, spoonful of wheat germ oil for shiny coats. Whew! Asticou does this little spin, as if he's catching his nub of a tail, right before I place the food down on the ground. They sit, in anticipation, before I give them signal and they race toward the bowls and devour their meal in seconds.
-Play outside within the confines of the invisible fence.
-Come inside, racing through the house.
-After drinking some water, they pass out on their bed for their midmorning nap.
-Go outside again
-Come inside, wrestle and hump each other to assert their dominance.
-Another nap.
-Dinner! Same as breakfast with the addition of a puppy vitamin. These dogs eat better than some humans. Talk about a well-rounded diet.
-More outside and snow play. They dig in the snow looking for sticks.
-After another romp showing who is boss, there is a cuddle sesh on the couch. Asticou has some junk in the trunk so it's a struggle to get him on the couch. I typically have to give him a little boost. Jessie gets mad when Asticou gets some attention so he pushes Asticou to the side and sits right on my chest. Ah, sibling rivalry at its finest...
-One final out then it's bed time in the crate, where they sleep side by side.

So, as mentioned, they have a taste for expensive shoes. I didn't think they were the shoe-eating type, but apparently they enjoy a good shoe. I had two pair of shoes. A blue pair of Merrells from Kelly and some fake Uggs from Target. And of course they went for the Merrells. They were completely decimated. Pieces were everywhere, there was no hope for those cute pair of shoes. I was so mad! I think they are still in the proverbial doghouse.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

"Blood like mercury so I can tell you when I'm rising and I'm sinking in"

It's been a month into my 3-month-to-clarity search. Here is where I am at...

With writing more comes more thinking. Thinking clearly and with purpose. Writing helps me "get it all out" instead of it stewing inside and keeping my anxiety-riddled mind running. Writing for myself rather than a specific audience keeps me honest because I know I am the only judge here; and I know when I am full of shit. Something to keep in mind when working with my students on their own writing...

As for truths about myself, I am realizing they are more hard truths than anything. And it's hard to face up to them. But in facing up to them, I can decide if that's what I want defining me. For example, I'm realizing I am a very jealous person (as seen with Nick and Alissa). I think it boils down to a lack of trust and wanting what I can't have. It's not a nice thing to admit about myself, but I'm learning that these feelings can lead me to some poor decisions. However hurtful in my mind, they are fleeting, and I need to remember that.

Simply living life. Well, I definitely have been doing that.  From reading/writing to skiing and meeting random people out and about. While I have gone through periods of sadness and lonliness, on the whole I have been happier than I have been in awhile because I am doing things for myself. I am enjoying the quiet days to myself, days busy with friends and family, shuffling my anxiety to the back in order to put myself out there.

Regarding Ty, while I have reached out to him in little ways (texting here and there, really within the last week) and admittedly texting at inappropriate times (after too much wine), I still don't feel the need to get back together with him.

On the whole, I am feeling better than I did a month ago. With my lows and highs, who knows where I'll be next month (March is a long month, after all). But at least I know it will be because of me and what I am doing to make things happen.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Walk in Gallupville


Snow falls in
big, wet flakes
which blanket the ground
and mute the noise.
Save for the swirling, whooshing wind
and the distant drone of cars.

I walk past the Honey House
along the gurgling brook,
whose waters rush over the smooth rocks.
I walk through an open cornfield,
old stalks peeking above
 the newly fallen snow.

I walk through the woods and up a hill,
which is difficult to climb in the slippery snow,
to a cemetary.

Empty and quiet in its absence of life
but fullness of its
 remanents of tombstones.
Some so old and covered in moss
you can't read the epitaphs.

Snow is picking up now,
though pockets of watery light
peer through the swollen sky.

Time to move on and keep walking.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Lessons learned

In the days after my last post, I have learned some lessons regarding myself and others, men in particular.

Here they are in no special order:

1. Don't fall over yourself for someone who did not "pick" you! Have some self-respect, woman!

I went out last weekend with some friends last weekend and it went like this: I paid special care to how I looked that night. I knew that Nick was coming out as well so I wore my "I look kinda thin in these" jeans and curled my hair. Now, I knew that Alissa and him were hanging out but I figured that it was harmless to look extra nice. At the bar, we were all drinking and having a good time. I saw a man coming toward me, about my dad's age. He said to me, "Hello., I couldn't help but notice you from  across the room. My name is Dale." Well, Dale. How very brave of you to put yourself out there but do you realize I am young enough to be your daughter? I said my name was Kim and I then realized that Alissa had left my side, leaving me defenseless. Dale just stood there looking at me so I took that lull in the awkward conversation to move away. Cut to an hour later, Dale approached me later, asking if I would be out Saturday. I said, "um, maybe?" He said he had to work tomorrow so... I didn't exactly know where this was going so I said it was very nice meeting you Dale and he went his merry way.

Throughout the night, as I was getting more and more inebriated, Nick and Alissa were canoodling more and more. While Allison and I were becoming increasingly jealous. So we left and they met us at the next bar. I got over my tantrum and decided heck with it and have fun. Nick and I had some shots and exhanged flirty looks, while Alissa was seemingly oblivious.  On the way back from the bar, the three of us were in the back, and Nick had BOTH arms around US. That should've been a clue there he was not in the market for a deep meaningful relationship, but more playing the field. We held hands somewhat as Alissa had her arm draped across his lap (As I write this, I cringe). When he was dropped off, Alissa needed to use his bathroom and needed me to come as a chaperone. As we were leaving, I took the opportunity to turn around, walk up to him, and lay one on him. My memory is fuzzy, but I think it was quite enjoyable and reciprocated. The night was a blur after that and the next thing I knew,  it was 8:30 in the morning and I was on Alissa's couch, still fully clothed with my coat on and contacts still in. I felt incredibly embarrassed and remorseful that I did those things while claiming to be Alissa's friend. It did not help things that he now is avoiding her and not returning phone calls. I did text him and apologize and he said it was no big deal, we were just having fun and these things happen. Here I was hoping that Nick would like me, but I can't believe I did that to Alissa. Operation 4/17/10 does not include throwing myself at other people's interest. I feel really guilty about the situation. What's wrong with me?

On a deeper level, what I've realized is that I want attention wherever I can find it. That's not right. I need to keep building up my inner self so I don't feel to see attention and indirectly/directly hurt those I care about. It has the potential to be self-destructing.

2. When on a blind date with an alternative energy specialist who describes himself as a "survivoralist," it's best not to say you have electric heat.

I went on my very first blind date last night with Mark, a renewable energy consultant. He was tall with dark hair and kind eyes. However, he  looked to be inthe range of 35-40. I felt my age, and that was not necessarily a good thing. We went for sushi and had a halting conversation with some good moments as well as not so good moments. We have similar tastes in music and food, but the commonalities ended there. Now, I think myself to be very liberal, but Mark was wayyyyy radical. Doesn't he know you don't talk politics on the first date? He talked about building a house that was "off the grid," which I surmised to mean to not use any non-renewable energy and provide own heat and energy. He also described what a "survioralist" was. It is a person who is completely compared for catastrophic events of the political or social nature. He described how he had supplies to last like 3 years in the event of a politcal implosion. Totally lost me there. To be funny, I said well, I have use electric heat. He was not impressed and did not  exactly see the irony. He paid for the sushi, took me back to my car in his Prius and we politely said our good-byes. At lease I can say I have been on a blind date. I don't think I have missed Ty that much in the moments after on the drive home. Feeling like there is no one there and no one will accept my awkward nature!

But I realized that I need to cut the dramatics. I don't miss Ty, so much as the idea of a person I can be my awkward, funny self around,.

Lesson 3: Suck it up, you have a job!

It's been tense at work, with firings and cutbacks imminent. I've been thinking often about other career possibilities, but at this point, I'm lucky to be employed. Chris, my colleague who has been there for years and has the capability to get information basically anywhere, assured me that my job is not in jeoparady. While I was relieved to hear the news, I couldn't help but feel that any chance to leave my job has come to a halt.  I also realized that the reading room is such a nurturing place with beautiful pleople and I should be lucky to have these colleauges who make work more bearable.

I think I liked the idea of leaving my job and becoming a leaf blowin' in the wind more than actually doing it. It was the feeling of knowing I could go anywhere and do anything that I relished more than actually going somehwere and doing something.

 At this point, I am lucky to be working. I know someday I will need to take actions and actually figure out where I want to end up. But for now, I need to enjoy it and soak up the experience and lessons before me so I can apply them when it actually counts.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

My next fix...

"Sometimes I feel like a junkie. One minute something happens in my life and I'm flying. Next minute I take a nosedive and just as I'm about to the hit ground with full force something else will have me flying again"

This is how I'm feeling right now. : Like a junkie who just got their latest fix.

Last night, I heard that Nick liked Alissa. I'm happy for her, of course, but that left me thinking, "WHERE IS HE?"...."Am I destined to be the funny fat friend??" These feelings were intensified by the fact that I have this ridiculous date with Adam, my neighbor/maintenance guy/kinda landlord. I know I can't back out, but it;'s going to be awkward when I tell him I'm not interested. I still can't believe he asked me out after I told him I couldn't pay my rent. I feel slightly whorish. Do dates= benefits on late rent and extra quick service?

Today was interesting, however. Kathy C. played little matchmaker, giving my email address to this guy who installed their solar panels. I don't know much about him besides he's outdoorsy and really nice. I did do the obligatory Google, though. Wouldn't you know it I actually found a picture. I don't know if the picture truly did him justice. Well, if anything, I found a potential friend?

I know that I mentioned before that not dating was one of my parameters of this 3-month emotional detox, but I'm starting to think it falls in line with the "living life" component. What does that even mean?? So far, this is my working definition: Doing what I can to be happy...Being open to new people and experiences...Making things happen for myself...Being okay with setback, they're inevitable. Accept it and keep moving forward...Enjoying moments big and seemingly inconsequential...And whatever else comes into play...

I've also been thinking about the whole purpose of this. Why 4/17/10? I don't expect any big life changes within these 3 months, but I think the outcomes are starting to become more perceptible. I'm starting to see this time as a time to figure out what I'm working toward. Who I want to be and what makes me happy. I'm not expecting lightening to strike. I just don't want to feel like I traversing aimlessly throughout life; like I've been feeling that way for a long time now.

I just want to be open to all possibilities. Enough stream of consciousness for now...

So who knows that my next "fix" will be...After throwing myself a huge pity party and sinking, I feel like I'm headed back up toward the sky.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Heartbreak Warfare

I felt so out of sorts today. I think the text Ty sent me and my foolish email in response threw me off. I've had a slight setback in my "living life" mission. It reminds me of all my stupid decisions involving Jason after we broke up. My irrational behavior more or less ruined any hopes of a reunion, much less a friendship. It's not that I want to be back with Ty. I don't think I do, anyways. But I don't want to burn any bridges. I think I built up this fragile wall of self sufficiency and contentment because I wasn't talking to him. It was easier that way. But, it was bound to happen. I just have to keep moving forward, even though it's so easier to keep looking back...

Also, I feel off with my friendship with Alissa. It's like there's this unspoken tension because we're both vying for the same male's attention. I'm not really actively pursuing the guy, but if they were to get together, I'd be bummed but I wouldn't hold it against her. I can't say the same if the situation was reversed. Besides, I don't think I'm ready to be dating anyone seriously.

HOWEVER, on that note...I think I may have just said yes to a date with my kinda landlord, Adam? Big mistake. I don't know how to say no! This could be disastrous! I can't stand how he calls me "babe" and "hun." I am his neither! I need to find a way out of this date.