Sunday, January 31, 2010

Favorite Newly Found Lyric: "You'll shine like gold in the air of summer."

I was doing my laundry today (No Perfect Blend, however. They close at 4, which is a bit inconvenient.) and I came to the realization that laundromats are a complete invasion of privacy. Now, let me back up this bold statement...

Since I don't have my own washer and dryer, I wait until the very last moment to drag my laundry bag to the laundromat. I'm talking like no underwear besides bathing suit bottoms to wear. Today was that situation so I obligingly brought my overflowing blue laundry bag to the laundromat in Delmar.

Since it was a Sunday afternoon, it was a bit crowded. More than I am used to. So, throughout the process of tossing laundry in the washer and dryer and then taking it out of the dryer, a bunch of my underwear would fall to the ground for everyone to see. Another observation was that everyone can see your clothes as they tumble in the dryer. Friends and family are not privy to this information, so why should complete strangers see what kind of underwear you don?

It's almost like a person could do some profiling based on the laundry you bring in. Like, if you're discreetly tossing lacy underwear and thongs into the washer for the delicate cycle, along with some slinky-looking tops, one could infer that you were sensual and sexually confident, even slutty. Conversely, if one is haphazardly throwing granny panties and sweats into the dryer, one could surmise they needed a date. Now.

I've decided I don't like that. I don't want strangers to see my underwear and sweat stained shirts. If I was being profiled, one would say I am a nervous wreck who anxiety leads to many a shirt ruined with sweat stains. Also, I am not a fan of VPLs. Be it as it may, I would much rather do my laundry in the privacy of my own home, thank you very much. There's my rant for the day...

So, Ty texted me late Friday night with "What you doing? Are you still alive?" What kind of text is that? I reckon he was drunk when he text that. I didn't respond til the next morning with some light-hearted response. I got no response back, which I have to say bothered me more than the drunk text. It threw me off. Here I was thinking I was over it and moving on and then some lame text makes me feel sad. It stewed in my all weekend until finally I got home from Dad and Kelly's and decided to give him a piece of my mind!

I emailed him saying I don't appreciate how he texts me only when he's drunk and that if he really wanted to know if I'm alive, ask me when sober! I'm embarrassed when I willingly text him sober and he can't extend the same courtesy of civility. I understand he doesn't want to be in contact with me because it is hard, but no need for the intermittent drunk text and the lack of responsiveness when he's sober. I don't expect him to respond, and he does, it'll be some half-assed remark about how I've done it to him. Blah. The truth is I don't know how I feel about talking to him or seeing him right now. So maybe it's best he doesn't respond.

On a similar note, I am putting a moratorium on Facebook for the time being. After seeing all these pics of Ty with his friends coupled with the fact that it sucks the life out of me as I monotonously click through the status updates and posted crap of people, I just need a break. I don't know how long it will last seeing how I'm already getting the shacks from not checking it. But I think it's good to take a step back. After, does it really matter if I know that Sam V. just took a shower after a long run? Or that Kim H. just lost a duck on Farmville? Or that Ty is doing just fine without me?

Monday, January 25, 2010

Chose Word Poem Based on objects at A Perfect Blend

I don't really like this poem (what a great introduction), but I wrote it at A Perfect Blend on Sunday so I felt obligated to rework it. Here is the finished project.

Chosen Words: Living, Pine Cones, Green

Sweltering day at camp
The trees stagnant
with the absence of
a cool breeze.
I go for a walk.

I follow the path cleared by
A machete,
Across the old wooden bridge where
Dad and Kelly were married.

I carefully avoid the
prickly bushes that extend
their arms into my path.

I go deeper into the woods.
The heat does not relent.

I reach the field.
The wide, green expanse opens up
Before me.
Inviting me in.

I continue on the path,
Making my way back to the
Evergreen trees in the back.
Beckoning me with the promise of respite.

When I reach my place
of desire,
There is a noticeable change
In the overhead space.

The air is not stifling,
But cool, quiet, still.
Pine needles and decaying cones
Litter the ground.

As a respite from the heat,
The pine trees mute
The noisy hot and shield
The sky.
It feels like another world,
Providing shade and solace.

This is living.
When confronted with
The heavy, and the oppressive heat,
One seeks the airy coolness.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I wrote this to a friend today at work. I feel it encapsulates my love life now...which is nonexistent... I decided that part of this whole 3 month-to-clarity project should exclude dating. I would argue that kissing is more than allowed however...

Well, now that I am single and on the "prowl" (not really, but it sounds better than "I'm not dating at this moment"), I had a night out last weekend that illustrated how being single can be both entertaining and disheartening at the same time. My friend Alissa and I (both going through break ups) went night skiing and decided at the last minute we would go out to a bar after instead going home and feeling sorry for ourselves. So, we changed out of our ski gear into some more appropriate going out-garb and headed out.

We arrived at this bar on Lark St in Albany and it was crowded. We both got drinks and found the semi-open area in the bar. We didn't know anyone so we just contented ourselves to talking to each other. After a few minutes, this guy came over. Kinda cute, kinda young-looking. He says to us, "How's it going? Soooo, are you girls like a couple?" We looked at each other and just started laughing. Apparently that was his cue to call his friend over and strike up a conversation.

So each guy picked one of us and tried to get our life story and relationship status. Then, Dale, my suitor, said "How come you guys aren't wifed up?" (Ok, first of all, "wifed up?" and second of all, did this guy really think that insulting our inability to find a husband would get one of us in bed?)

We said no and laughed it off. Dale then said "Well, it must be because you are into each other." At this point I gave the little ear tug to Alissa to get us the hell out of there.

We then saw my landlord's son, Adam, who lives next door to me. He was with some friends so we used him as an excuse to get out of the awful, self-esteem crushing predicament we found ourselves in. We hung out with Adam (neighbor) and his friends. I noticed one of his friends. I thought he was pretty cute. Until he opened his mouth. We started talking about football (he was wearing a Jets jersey). He had no concept of personal space. He sat really close to me, spitting ever-so-slightly when he talked excitedly about god knows what. And he had a slight lisp ( not that there is anything wrong with that, of course). At the end of the night, he asked for my number and because I didn't know what else to do, gave it to him. He then went in for the awkward hug and kiss. I turned my head and he ended up kissing me ear. Wow. He did eventually ask me for a date...VIA TEXT MESSAGE! Needless to say, I said no.

And apparently, all through this, Adam, the neighbor, decided he had a thing for me and told my friend that. Thankfully, she said now is not a good time. Since then he also has asked me out...VIA TEXT MESSAGE ALSO. Can't a person ask someone out the old fashion way?? Also, I made the mistake of facebooking him and he asked me to go skiing with him. We'll see how that one goes...

The whole experience showed me that while some guys don't think I'm hideous looking, Ty is starting to look real good compared to them, haha. I think I'm going to swear off men for a little while. I don't know how long that will last though. I'm super boy-crazy now. But one can hope, right?

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Steaming Earl Grey and some perspective

Today it was really hard to just "live my life without making any decisions." I said it before and I'll say it again: Teaching is a great form of birth control. I just let the little teenagers get the best of me. I try not to engage in their immature baiting, but I can't help myself! Maybe that's because I have done the same immature baiting before with people and I know it's quite effective. Hmm...

As I was doing my laundry, I went to A Perfect Blend, got some Earl Grey tea and started reading Bird by Bird. I think it's inspired me to keep writing, reading, reflecting, and living. I wanted to quit today and give in the dark side of myself that often beckons me with its bony finger and pulls me under. The simple act of reading and making an effort to write pulled me back.

Now my pillow calls to me with its warm embrace. To be able to get something down has actually calmed me, albeit it wasn't the most substantial piece of writing. However, I usually take these thoughts with me to bed which leads to relentless tossing and turning, but I hope articulating my thoughts has kept them here, for now.

Til next time...

Monday, January 18, 2010

How this started...

4/17/10 is such an arbitrary date, but I realized I needed a goal. A goal for what, you ask? I don't even know who I am asking because I suspect no one will read this, but I needed a goal to figure things out about myself and others before making potential life-changing decisions.

My first goal to write this blog is in part what my brother inscribed in a Christmas gift. On the inside page of Bird By Bird, Keith wrote: "Kim, you are smarter than you think, give yourself some credit, goddamnit! I know you have a lot to say, but you REFRAIN! SPEAK and Write!" I feel like I do have things to say, but too self-conscious and self-deprecating to take any of it to heart. So my first goal is simply to write. To speak up and let it out. My other goal is to come to some hard truths of the person I am and the person I want to be. At this point they are not the same, and I need a space to figure that out. So, what do I need to do to make start the ball rolling, then?

I decided I would give myself three months to figure that out, hence that date. Last night, I was talking to Kelly, feeling lonely and sad. She gave me the idea to give myself 3 months to simply live my life before making any big decisions. I decided to take up her idea. Not only to simply live my life, but just figure shit out.

While I could argue that my insecurities and issues started in utero, this idea all started after I broke up with my boyfriend (you know it had to be about a boy, typical). I knew deep down it was the right thing to do, but I realized that now I'm alone. Single for the first time in years(and let me tell you, it's crazy out there!). Ty, ex-boyfriend, came up one day and poured out his heart and soul, and when I didn't pour anything out, merely some drippings of "I'm confused," he more or less moved on. Leaving me to wonder if I did the right thing. After being denied the break up sex, texting him inappropriately, him saying "You broke up with me, I gave myself to you. I couldn't just sit and wait forever...," I knew I needed to get a grip on myself. Coupled with the fact that I feel inadequate and complacent in my job as a teacher, I realized I needed to make some big decisions.

However, given my somewhat jaded and fragile state of mind, I'm not ready to make any big decisions. These three months will be time spent figuring out what I want to do with my life and if in those three months I still feel something for Ty, I'll contact him. Now, he may be with someone, but at least I was in the right frame of mind to reach out. Also, if I can get a grip on what I truly want and desire for myself, I think making the decision to either change things at work or look for another one will be done so with clarity and resolve for better things.

Now, I figured I needed some paremeters for this "emotional detox" Some include (and I'm sure I'll be adding on as the 3 months tick by):

1.) Stop texting Ty. Drunk or sober. Happy or sad. I know this sounds lame, but you have to realize that in our 5 years off and on, we have always contacted each other this way. Which led to sex, than some dates, then a relationship. It's ridiculous. I have to figure out why we are drawn to each other. Comfort and longing? Or something deeper. At this point I'm betting on the sex, but who knows. Now, if he texts me, well, that's another story...

2.) Don't quit my job. If I truely still feel limited, unhappy, and unfulfilled in three months with no resolution in sight, I know it may be time to move on. Either new job or career.

3. Rely on friends and family, but don't drown them in my self-pity. I don't want to be THAT person, but I know that they are there for me and when they offer a hand, sometimes I just need to hold on for my dear life. It's easy to go inside myself like an animal hibernating for the winter. But I can't always do that.

4. Laugh as much as I can. Enjoy the good moments.

5. Write. Either here or notebook. Record insights, happy things, sad things.

That's all I have for today. I went skiing today and my body hurts. Not to mention my mind. I haven't written this much in a long time, which in of itself is sad, seeing I am a reading/writing teacher. I don't expect anything to read my self-engrossed musings, but if there is someone there, and you have advice, let me know...