Saturday, February 13, 2010

Lessons learned

In the days after my last post, I have learned some lessons regarding myself and others, men in particular.

Here they are in no special order:

1. Don't fall over yourself for someone who did not "pick" you! Have some self-respect, woman!

I went out last weekend with some friends last weekend and it went like this: I paid special care to how I looked that night. I knew that Nick was coming out as well so I wore my "I look kinda thin in these" jeans and curled my hair. Now, I knew that Alissa and him were hanging out but I figured that it was harmless to look extra nice. At the bar, we were all drinking and having a good time. I saw a man coming toward me, about my dad's age. He said to me, "Hello., I couldn't help but notice you from  across the room. My name is Dale." Well, Dale. How very brave of you to put yourself out there but do you realize I am young enough to be your daughter? I said my name was Kim and I then realized that Alissa had left my side, leaving me defenseless. Dale just stood there looking at me so I took that lull in the awkward conversation to move away. Cut to an hour later, Dale approached me later, asking if I would be out Saturday. I said, "um, maybe?" He said he had to work tomorrow so... I didn't exactly know where this was going so I said it was very nice meeting you Dale and he went his merry way.

Throughout the night, as I was getting more and more inebriated, Nick and Alissa were canoodling more and more. While Allison and I were becoming increasingly jealous. So we left and they met us at the next bar. I got over my tantrum and decided heck with it and have fun. Nick and I had some shots and exhanged flirty looks, while Alissa was seemingly oblivious.  On the way back from the bar, the three of us were in the back, and Nick had BOTH arms around US. That should've been a clue there he was not in the market for a deep meaningful relationship, but more playing the field. We held hands somewhat as Alissa had her arm draped across his lap (As I write this, I cringe). When he was dropped off, Alissa needed to use his bathroom and needed me to come as a chaperone. As we were leaving, I took the opportunity to turn around, walk up to him, and lay one on him. My memory is fuzzy, but I think it was quite enjoyable and reciprocated. The night was a blur after that and the next thing I knew,  it was 8:30 in the morning and I was on Alissa's couch, still fully clothed with my coat on and contacts still in. I felt incredibly embarrassed and remorseful that I did those things while claiming to be Alissa's friend. It did not help things that he now is avoiding her and not returning phone calls. I did text him and apologize and he said it was no big deal, we were just having fun and these things happen. Here I was hoping that Nick would like me, but I can't believe I did that to Alissa. Operation 4/17/10 does not include throwing myself at other people's interest. I feel really guilty about the situation. What's wrong with me?

On a deeper level, what I've realized is that I want attention wherever I can find it. That's not right. I need to keep building up my inner self so I don't feel to see attention and indirectly/directly hurt those I care about. It has the potential to be self-destructing.

2. When on a blind date with an alternative energy specialist who describes himself as a "survivoralist," it's best not to say you have electric heat.

I went on my very first blind date last night with Mark, a renewable energy consultant. He was tall with dark hair and kind eyes. However, he  looked to be inthe range of 35-40. I felt my age, and that was not necessarily a good thing. We went for sushi and had a halting conversation with some good moments as well as not so good moments. We have similar tastes in music and food, but the commonalities ended there. Now, I think myself to be very liberal, but Mark was wayyyyy radical. Doesn't he know you don't talk politics on the first date? He talked about building a house that was "off the grid," which I surmised to mean to not use any non-renewable energy and provide own heat and energy. He also described what a "survioralist" was. It is a person who is completely compared for catastrophic events of the political or social nature. He described how he had supplies to last like 3 years in the event of a politcal implosion. Totally lost me there. To be funny, I said well, I have use electric heat. He was not impressed and did not  exactly see the irony. He paid for the sushi, took me back to my car in his Prius and we politely said our good-byes. At lease I can say I have been on a blind date. I don't think I have missed Ty that much in the moments after on the drive home. Feeling like there is no one there and no one will accept my awkward nature!

But I realized that I need to cut the dramatics. I don't miss Ty, so much as the idea of a person I can be my awkward, funny self around,.

Lesson 3: Suck it up, you have a job!

It's been tense at work, with firings and cutbacks imminent. I've been thinking often about other career possibilities, but at this point, I'm lucky to be employed. Chris, my colleague who has been there for years and has the capability to get information basically anywhere, assured me that my job is not in jeoparady. While I was relieved to hear the news, I couldn't help but feel that any chance to leave my job has come to a halt.  I also realized that the reading room is such a nurturing place with beautiful pleople and I should be lucky to have these colleauges who make work more bearable.

I think I liked the idea of leaving my job and becoming a leaf blowin' in the wind more than actually doing it. It was the feeling of knowing I could go anywhere and do anything that I relished more than actually going somehwere and doing something.

 At this point, I am lucky to be working. I know someday I will need to take actions and actually figure out where I want to end up. But for now, I need to enjoy it and soak up the experience and lessons before me so I can apply them when it actually counts.

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