4/17/10 is such an arbitrary date, but I realized I needed a goal. A goal for what, you ask? I don't even know who I am asking because I suspect no one will read this, but I needed a goal to figure things out about myself and others before making potential life-changing decisions.
My first goal to write this blog is in part what my brother inscribed in a Christmas gift. On the inside page of Bird By Bird, Keith wrote: "Kim, you are smarter than you think, give yourself some credit, goddamnit! I know you have a lot to say, but you REFRAIN! SPEAK and Write!" I feel like I do have things to say, but too self-conscious and self-deprecating to take any of it to heart. So my first goal is simply to write. To speak up and let it out. My other goal is to come to some hard truths of the person I am and the person I want to be. At this point they are not the same, and I need a space to figure that out. So, what do I need to do to make start the ball rolling, then?
I decided I would give myself three months to figure that out, hence that date. Last night, I was talking to Kelly, feeling lonely and sad. She gave me the idea to give myself 3 months to simply live my life before making any big decisions. I decided to take up her idea. Not only to simply live my life, but just figure shit out.
While I could argue that my insecurities and issues started in utero, this idea all started after I broke up with my boyfriend (you know it had to be about a boy, typical). I knew deep down it was the right thing to do, but I realized that now I'm alone. Single for the first time in years(and let me tell you, it's crazy out there!). Ty, ex-boyfriend, came up one day and poured out his heart and soul, and when I didn't pour anything out, merely some drippings of "I'm confused," he more or less moved on. Leaving me to wonder if I did the right thing. After being denied the break up sex, texting him inappropriately, him saying "You broke up with me, I gave myself to you. I couldn't just sit and wait forever...," I knew I needed to get a grip on myself. Coupled with the fact that I feel inadequate and complacent in my job as a teacher, I realized I needed to make some big decisions.
However, given my somewhat jaded and fragile state of mind, I'm not ready to make any big decisions. These three months will be time spent figuring out what I want to do with my life and if in those three months I still feel something for Ty, I'll contact him. Now, he may be with someone, but at least I was in the right frame of mind to reach out. Also, if I can get a grip on what I truly want and desire for myself, I think making the decision to either change things at work or look for another one will be done so with clarity and resolve for better things.
Now, I figured I needed some paremeters for this "emotional detox" Some include (and I'm sure I'll be adding on as the 3 months tick by):
1.) Stop texting Ty. Drunk or sober. Happy or sad. I know this sounds lame, but you have to realize that in our 5 years off and on, we have always contacted each other this way. Which led to sex, than some dates, then a relationship. It's ridiculous. I have to figure out why we are drawn to each other. Comfort and longing? Or something deeper. At this point I'm betting on the sex, but who knows. Now, if he texts me, well, that's another story...
2.) Don't quit my job. If I truely still feel limited, unhappy, and unfulfilled in three months with no resolution in sight, I know it may be time to move on. Either new job or career.
3. Rely on friends and family, but don't drown them in my self-pity. I don't want to be THAT person, but I know that they are there for me and when they offer a hand, sometimes I just need to hold on for my dear life. It's easy to go inside myself like an animal hibernating for the winter. But I can't always do that.
4. Laugh as much as I can. Enjoy the good moments.
5. Write. Either here or notebook. Record insights, happy things, sad things.
That's all I have for today. I went skiing today and my body hurts. Not to mention my mind. I haven't written this much in a long time, which in of itself is sad, seeing I am a reading/writing teacher. I don't expect anything to read my self-engrossed musings, but if there is someone there, and you have advice, let me know...