Wednesday, March 31, 2010

bold as love

"So, I'm going to experiment with this love thing. Giving love. Feeling love. I know it sounds really corny but it's the last thing I got to check out before I check out" -John Mayer

Tonight, as I was washing the stack of dishes that had accumulated over the week of laziness, I had the epiphany that as a 26-year old gal, I've never fully shared a life with someone I love.

I mean, I share parts of my life with the people I love dearly-friends, family- but when it comes to relationships, there's a part of myself that I keep hidden.

With Ty and our long distance relationship, I built this "other" life that he wasn't a part of. And I rather enjoyed it. However, when we were together on weekends, I kept that other Kim tucked in the back: Friends, activities I enjoyed, my deep thoughts and feelings. I had a life with Ty and a life to myself. I preferred the latter. Obviously...

Even with Jason, the college boyfriend and first love, I kept things from him. I enjoyed my time with friends and this false independence I fostered when I was without him. I realized it was false when we broke up and I crumbled effortlessly.

I think it boils down to this idea that I create physical and emotional spaces for myself and it's hard to let people in. I think it stems back from childhood (Hey, I'm a child of divorce. Give me a break!) when I moved around a lot. My mom, Keith, and I would crash at people houses for a short time: Friends, grandparents, rentals. I felt I never had my own space to fill because it belonged to someone else and I knew the living situation was only temporary.

To have my own physical and emotional space has become so paramount to my life that it's made letting people into that space difficult.

A lot of the time I prefer to be by myself, but where does that lead the part of my that yearns to share my life with someone?

Maybe, in order to be fully happy and fully loving, I need to let down the walls a bit. Give love and feel love.

And be bold as love in order to put myself out there truly, regardless of the inclination to keep my space. Even though space is a good thing, it also keeps you blocked in.

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